My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My life in a nutshell
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario