Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I only treason on days ending in y
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
me: my friends:
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
crying
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what