Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
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*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…