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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job