People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Spa day..😅
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.