Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
That’s classic.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
pep talk
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?