My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
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Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
This kid is going places
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.