[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
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Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
BETRAYAL
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.