Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
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I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.