You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Tremendous stuff
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.