The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?