Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
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Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
🤔😂😂
bro what is going on at twitter
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.