“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
my professor scared me for a second
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d