SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
sigh
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.