Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
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Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?