the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
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If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Not all heroes wear capes…
If looks could kill