why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
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New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Oh the world we live in…
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Hmmmmm
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..