THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
You Might Also Like
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.