Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.