You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
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[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers