Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
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me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Ummm
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.