waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I was just discussing this with my cat
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.