[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
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{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
water it, i dare you
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Morning my dudes.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.