Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
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You wish you had this many chins.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*