Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
You Might Also Like
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.