Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
You Might Also Like
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
How actors in movies eat their food
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups