If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!