People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you鈥檙e supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Therapist: what鈥檚 your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
You can鈥檛 claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife鈥檚 birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that鈥檚 a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 饾摠饾摳饾摼’饾摶饾摦 饾摥饾攤饾摬饾摲饾摪 饾摴饾摶饾摳饾摣饾摢饾摣饾摰饾攤
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I鈥檇 love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
God has left this place
didn鈥檛 receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn鈥檛 arrive pls deliveroo?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 馃憥
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.