Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
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why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.