I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
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“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.