Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
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train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
called in thicc to work this morning
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
For anyone who needs this today
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.