If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.