[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I hope Alan is OK
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs