[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.