4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore