excuse me
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Breaking news:
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?