ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.