“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
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My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.