Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING