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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle