I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
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[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Worth a try
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.