Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
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Today’s Times
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”