[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
You Might Also Like
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.