Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.