Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
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[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.