If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
the composer
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*