Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
He’s dead
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.