Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.