Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
How software testing works
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.