ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
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This is not me but this is me
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
*seductively corrects your posture*
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
#MeanwhileInCanada
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year